Sunday, March 16, 2008

my arch nemesis

a couple weeks ago, bob's oldest son elijah called and announced that we would need to pick him up at the airport in four days because he was leaving california and moving in with us. unexpected, but - alrighty then. so i drove to pennsylvania after class and wandered through pittsburgh international airport until i located the dirty hippie kid with the waist length hair. who was holding a cat carrier. unexpected, but again, i say, alrighty then. i can roll with these things, cause i'm cool like that. so i drive them back to west virginia and install them both in my living room. everything's cool, right? right....

turns out this Cat (who incidentally has no name, the airport tag on the pet carrier actually said "no name perrine" on it) is like, birthed from the bowels of hell or something. i think he has multiple personalities, an eating disorder, and a drug problem. the second night he was here he ate all the food in his rather large bowl and then broke into the kitchen cupboard and dragged out a new bag of cat food and ate at least a third of it. he also found the bag of catnip and dragged it out too, leaving it scattered all over the kitchen floor where he had apparently been rolling in it all night on some crazed kitty lsd trip. one minute he's rubbing on your leg and purring, like a perfectly normal little kitty would do, and then suddenly he's hissing and attacking you. after he fucked my hand up pretty badly (see exhibit a) i decided not to attempt to pet him anymore and just ignore him. but, since elijah went on the road with bob for two weeks, i have to feed this demon Cat and clean his litter box. i am satan's servant apparently. last night i went into what used to be my living room but is now elijah's room in order to give The Cat some water and he attacked my leg. i wasn't even looking at him, he just ran up and hissed and jumped me. so now i'm all paranoid and everytime he walks by me and gives me the evil eye i get as nervous as a virginal white girl walking in the wrong neighborhood alone at night with a short skirt on and $200 in cash in her purse.

don't let the photo fool you, folks. he may seem like an ordinary animal, but look more closely...see that evil glint? see the flames of hell dancing in his eyes? this Cat is dangerous. he's plotting my death right now, i'm sure of it...